Here's me, thinking again...

I'm thinking I may need to stop that.

But that's beside the point. And to be honest, I'm not even sure what my point is going to be. Guess time will tell, huh?

I called Urology this week, and I discussed with Dr. Lee's nurse what I wanted to do in regard to the cystoscopy. I decided that I wanted to go through with the cystoscopy, especially considering the fact that the issues I've been having with bladder spasms and the like are only worsening. After a great deal of thinking and soul searching, I have decided that I can not conitnue to live with that; if there is anything they can do to figure out what is causing these problems and solve it, I will do it. Let me just say that I absolutely love this particular nurse. Compared to the other nurse I have spoken with in Urology, she seems to be more compassionate and sympathetic toward my situation. The other nurse I spoke with last week made it sound like there wasn't anything they could do to make the procedure easier on me. She also said "I've done this procedure many times and half of the people I cath say it hurts, half don't..blah blah blah." I was very upset with her. When they cathed me, it wasn't simply painful. After being in pain 24/7 for at least the past three years, I'm no sissy when it comes to pain and I have a fairly high pain tolerance. I've said before, and I'll say it again, when they were cathing me it felt like they were shoving a knife into my bladder. Usually I am able to control my response to pain, but I wasn't at all able to do so during this procedure. The fact that this nurse wasn't compassionate really hurt my feelings and made me a little angry. I held my tongue, but I was thrilled to be able to talk to the other nurse earlier this week. She said that it would be possible for Dr. Lee to do the cystoscopy in the OR, which would be easier on me and also help me control my pain response. This does mean surgery, and anesthesia, and while I'm not taking that lightly, I'm OK with it. Anything I can do to get some more answers and relief.

In case anyone is wondering, yes, I did finish my paper on justice, and I turned it in. I really hope I receive an A on this paper as I did for my first paper and my midterm. So far it looks as if I am on track to have an A in this class. Midterm grades look pretty good. In Algebra, I have a C in World Civilizations I have a B, in Christian Ethics I have a B+ and in Sociology I have an A. As far as Algebra goes, I have worked very hard to get that C. I continue to talk to my Algebra teacher quite frequently. We just finished a chapter and I took the exam, but only received 69% on it. So, I'm looking to retake that test. The great thing about my Algebra teacher is that she offers a retake with every test if we want or need it. It has been my saving grace in this class, because without them, I would have failed the class already. Yes, I'm incredibly thankful for my Algebra teacher this semester. She's trying to get me to see that I really do get Algebra. For some reason, that is not clicking in my brain. I don't know how long it will take for it to do so.

Not being at work. Ugh. I don't even want to go there. I continue to miss my little family soo much. Again, it's difficult for me to go there and visit, because most of my residents have Alzheimer's or some form of Dementia, so they are not able to understand that I am not there to take care of them when I visit. There are also a few that only want me to care for them when they see me. Especially one of them, who has been at the facility for over ten years. This lady melts my heart, although she has a tendency to be naughty sometimes. She does not talk a lot anymore, but she has become more vocal lately. Most of what she says consist of "Yeah" and "No". She has also said "Shut up," "I want to go outside," and other things. She tried to say my full name one time (she did fail) and tears almost came to my eyes. This lady obviously loves me, and I love her too. Anyway, she loves to try to give me kisses every time she sees me. When she sees me, she has a tendency to get very excited (one time she got so excited that she threw up), and then she doesn't want to let me out of her sight. It's also difficult because I have not been able to go and see my Grandma that is on the Unit either. Of course, I don't want to wait too long until I go to see her again, especially since she has a tendency to forget people if she goes too long without seeing them. If she forgot me, I would be very hurt. I pray that she won't forget me. On Monday I plan on taking her down to the first floor and helping her hand out treats to the little kids. Hopefully all goes well.