But instead, I have decided it's time for me to write another blog post in which I allow the contents of my brain to be expelled into this blog post. I can't explain everything that's going on in my mind right now, but I can attempt to do my best.
At this point, I am forced to make some very difficult decisions. I spoke with the Urology office and they told me that if they did not do the Cystoscopy/Urodynamic Study, they would not be able to provide any answers as to what is causing my bladder spasms and the other problems that are going along with it. The part of the procedure that really concerns me is being cathed again. For some reason, cathing me causes a lot more pain than I feel it should, but the only way to do the study is to be cathed. I can't understand why this happens, and I don't like it. I don't know if I can request any medication to allow me to relax a little more for the cathing part of the procedure. I still feel like the procedure needs to be done, because I want some answers, and I do not feel living this way for the rest of my life is acceptable. If there is anything that they can do to provide some answers for some of the problems I have, and make me more comfortable, then I will do whatever is needed. I do hope they can do something to make the procedure more comfortable. If not, I guess I have to deal with that reality too. What else is new.
I'm struggling still, I'm waiting to hear about the private loan I had to apply for in place of what was supposed to be my scholarship for this semester. I continue to hope and pray that this will all work out and I will get the loan so I don't have to worry about finances. I've begun to pay bills so I can make a dent at least in some of my medical bills. The biggest thing is that I can't miss a payment, because if I do they can involve collection agencies and ruin my credit. I've spent the past year making sure I am building good credit so that I am able to get student loans if I need to.
Today with the time I have remaining, I want to go to Shopko in an attempt to escape. Then, I have to work on a paper for Christian Ethics, work on Sociology and try to get a note sheet put together for my upcoming Algebra exam. I'm continuing to try to do my best to work as hard as I can in school. I want my grades to be very good so I can continue on. This week seems like it will be a pretty busy week. Monday I have class, Tuesday I meet with a friend after classes and then there is a social event for my college at the bowling alley. I hope and pray that this week is another good and productive week.
Tomorrow I will be calling to schedule the cystoscopy, much to my chagrin. I hope there's something they can do to make me more comfortable during the cathing procedure.
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