I've been struggling a bit these days. But that's nothing new. The contributing factors haven't changed much, if at all. Unfortunately, not a lot of progress has been made. Tomorrow I have some things to try and take care of. Medical bills, school, and cleaning just to name a few. The biggest problem is that things just keep piling up. I keep hoping that I can "catch a break" sometime soon, but unfortunately that really hasn't happened yet. For now, I have things to work on and will be praying that I will finally catch that break soon. I need it desperately. I continue to cling to hope that it will happen. I'm waiting. And waiting.
But that's beside the point.
Today I had a wonderful opportunity. I had the opportunity to share my love of singing with many young people. My friend Katie, who is a local youth director, asked me to assist her with the music for the local Teen Community Bible Study. It's a huge blessing. At first, I won't lie, all I wanted to do was go back home, lie down, and do some homework. But then I thought about it. I thought about how much I've been wanting to get back into music, how much I love singing and how important it is to share the gifts that God has given me with others. Not only that, but using my gifts to praise and glorify Him, because He's who gave them to me in the first place. Needless to say, I changed my tune somewhat quickly. (Did you get that, cuz I made a funny!) And I can't be happier that I did.
Sometimes I get so focused on myself, so focused on my illness and how I'm feeling that I forget about what I should be doing. Regardless of being ill, it is still very important to give to others. For most of my life, I have been focused on serving and loving others. People told me I needed to focus on and take care of myself. To an extent, that is true. However, it is still important to serve others. Constantly thinking of yourself is not healthy. Nor is it going to do any good many times. I've accepted that I will never be "well" again. But, I am focused on living as fully as is possible. It's important to adapt to the changes this disease causes, but in some respects, I will not settle. For this particular decline, I refuse to accept not going back to work and quitting school. I won't do either one. Both are integral to my future. I'm not giving these up. Even though I am not guarunteed tomorrow, or the next few years, I feel it is important for me to do as much as I can with the time I do have. The fact is, no one has any idea how much time they have left. When one has a life threatening and chronic disease process or condition, these feelings and awarenesses are much more prevelant.
I'm reminded again and again how short life is, how precious it is. And I don't want to forget that. Ever. If I do, I need to be reminded again. The autumn season brings some very difficult wounds for me. On October 11 of last year, the first of three very significant deaths occurred. This was the death of my adopted Grandma. I had anticipated her death to an extent, but it still hurt. November 1, and November 14 were the next two deaths. For me, my world stopped.
I can't accurately explain why my world became so dark, besides the grief had overpowered me. It took over my life. For over a month, I couldn't read a sentence. I simply existed. The times were dark. The day Papa died, I worked. I don't remember much about that day. I remember, however, that one of my residents offered me her room as a place to cry when he passed away. For that, I will always be thankful to her and love her. I tried my best to explain to people what was happening to me. But, I couldn't explain very accurately. To this day, I'm still at a loss. These deaths continue to profoundly affect my life to this very day. I know the pain of losing these precious people from my life will not ever completely go away. Yes, I will always miss them. But, they are all happy and whole in heaven. Because I love them, I couldn't want more for them. Accepting their deaths has been one of the most difficult and painful things I have ever had to do. But, acceptance is key. It doesn't mean I'm not sad about it sometimes, because that's not a realistic way to view things. Especially when the anniversaries of these deaths are so close.
I don't expect most people to understand the ways in which I process death and grief. I've dealt a lot with both. Both are a part of my job, to some extent. I've posted about that before. But I'm not bitter about it, and I'm not afraid of it either. Most people are uncomfortable with the subjects of grief and death. I've had situations where my mortality has been sitting right in front of me, refusing to be ignored. I've dealt with the deaths of my adopted dad (in my opinion my true spiritual father), my adopted Grandma, and one of my best and dearest friends who became family. These are very personal losses. In addition, because of my job, I've been with many at the end of their lives. I don't see it as bad, in fact I see it as a gift.
Tonight I had some help from my teacher with Algebra. What's interesting, is we seem to be what I like to call "kindred spirits" and very frequently end up about talking about things other than Algebra. This conversation wasn't terribly different. We ended up talking about Algebra for less than an hour, then talking about other "stuff" for at least an hour, more than that actually. I revealed a lot to her, but I trust her. I told her about my experiences with my disease, and how important I feel it is to figure out what I want for the future in a few different situations. I know that I need to find a POA to make medical decisions if I am unable to, have them sign papers for/with me and have conversations with that person about what I want in terms of treatment if I am unable to communicate my wishes. This person needs to be able to advocate for me. I think I've found that person, but I'm very scared about asking her about this, but I really feel she may be the person whom I can trust to advocate for me. I love her a lot, but I also don't know how she will feel about it. Again, I have to pray about this.
And I'm up way later than I should be. Ugh. Story of my life anymore. I spose if I find out anything more, I'll update. I don't know anymore.
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