I'm struggling...

Tonight I had my first Reconciliation. It was really quite liberating to be able to tell someone my sins and basically ask for advice in how to deal with these sins. Of course, I am twenty years old so there is no way I could truly have confessed twenty years' worth of sins in the small amount of time with the priest that was available to me. Sitting there waiting for my time to go up to the priest, I was so incredibly nervous. In addition to all of the physical problems I was dealing with today, I was also just nervous about my first confession. I thought to myself that I would love to have been able to talk with Papa and have him teach me about confession, but even though I couldn't do that I knew for a fact that he was with me throughout that whole time. At times it was as if I could hear his automated computer saying "Sami, I'm so proud of you. Go up there to the priest and confess your sins, you will feel so great when you do. Even though I'm not physically with you, I'm still here. I love you." Of course much of that may have been my mind creating that, but I truly feel Papa's presence in the Community of Saints during Mass and other times like tonight. Yes, he's always with me in spirit, but Mass is a special time and I can feel him with me even more than usual.

There are so many things going through my mind and many things going on in my life. In addition to the grief that I am attempting to endure due to the losses I have experienced, especially in the last six months, I am dealing with a ton of other issues. Today was one of those days where I could just feel that my body is declining. I'm honestly doing my best to have a positive attitude and try to realize that I need to be in prayer about all of these issues. I have to admit though that it's not that easy. Right now I am attempting to do as much as I possibly can both for myself and also for others. Unfortunately my body is telling me that it is hurting and also that it is declining. It is so discouraging at times. I don't want to have to give up on my many dreams. Most of my dreams are so incredibly simple. Even though I want to trust God in everything, there are some things I simply don't want to give up on. If God's plan means giving up the more important dreams in my life, it will be more difficult to surrender myself to His will.

This last loss was incredibly difficult as well. Precious Riley touched a lot of people in her short six years of life. She was just a little child, and I can't help but think that she was too young to die. Of course I felt that way about Aleia too, but Riley was about half of Aleia's age. Not only that, but I spent a lot more time with Aleia than I ever could with Riley. That hurts quite a bit because even the one time that I did meet Riley, I couldn't hold her or love on her because I was sick with a cold. It was a horrible feeling. I wanted so much to hold this precious little baby and play with her but I just couldn't. It wasn't worth the risk of getting her sick. Throughout the next few years life got in the way and with Riley over an hour away, I just didn't have the opportunities to see her that I did with Aleia. I love both my girls so much and I miss them each and every day. Speaking of which, I got a tattoo on Saturday in tribute to my girls. Here's a picture.

I need anyone who reads this to be in prayer about something. I am awaiting a call to be returned by Dr. P. Right now I just don't feel like this is an acceptable status for me. I feel like I'm losing too much of myself. He is hopefully going to get back to me tomorrow. I am so frustrated and confused.

I don't have much else to say. All I can say is that I'm continuing to pray for strength and endurance with all of this. Things are very difficult right now and I am really hurting. Please, if you read this blog, keep me in your prayers. I really need them.