To GOD be the Glory....

First of all....I know my posts lately have been slightly on the negative side. I'm honestly doing my best to accept this situation (the situation being the new normal that has become the life I have to accept) for what it is. Being a young adult with a chronic, life threatening, and life changing disease process is not an easy thing. But, this IS my life. I have to accept it for what it is and try to do my best to adapt to the changes that this illness has brought and is going to bring to my life. So that's sort of where I'm at.

Even though...I have to make some very important decisions sooner rather than later...
Even though...I am not sure I can do the job I know and love much longer...
Even though...much of my family does not know about or understand my disease...
Even though...every day means constantly struggling with pain and fatigue due to Mito...
Even though...my life has become about doctor appointments, supplements, and medications...
and Even though...it is going to take time for me to adjust to this "new normal", I can truly say with both faith and love: To GOD be the Glory.

Yep. To GOD. The only way I have and will be sustained throughout my life and this illness is by the grace of God. I am in a small group of wonderful, strong, and brave people. I do not feel worthy to belong to this group. It's true I've dealt with Mito for my whole life. It's true that each day dealing with Mito is anything but a walk in the park. I refuse to sugar coat it. See, it has taken me a long time to accept that I have Mito. It's not that knowing hasn't helped me, because it has. Honestly, it's a relief to know that I am not a hypochondriac (which I've been accused of by doctors and family members). But at the same time, accepting a diagnosis of depression may have been a little easier for me. I'm not saying depression is an easy disease to live with, because it's not. What I'm saying is that more often than not if a depressed person is put on an antidepressant and closely monitored they usually do fairly well. It's true that they will probably struggle off and on for most of their lives, but there is usually something newer out there to help manage the crippling symptoms depression brings. Well, Mitochondrial Disease isn't exactly like that.

Here's the deal. I'm willing to accept the fact that a cure and effective treatment may never come for Mito in my lifetime. In time, I think I will be able to accept that this illness/disease process is going to change some things in my life. Life may not end up the way I wanted it to. But it might just end up better. God has a way of providing for us, even when we're angry with him. For the longest time, I've been angry with God for allowing four of the most inspirational and precious people in my life to leave me far earlier than I was prepared for. Yes, I mean Grandma, Riley, Papa, and Aleia. In six months I have had to adapt to a great deal of loss. But, in the midst of all that, I was angry for God allowing me to struggle over and over with changes that this disease was causing and not providing answers as to why my body was failing me in so many ways. The only way I can adapt to these changes is if I can be as healthy emotionally and spiritually as possible.

After my confirmation and receiving my first Eucharist, I feel like nothing is impossible with God behind me. I have to admit this fact has been made apparent to me before, but I truly didn't get it until I realized how much God truly loved me. The Triduum (and watching the Passion) made me realize that because God loves us so much, he allowed his only son to be killed, mocked, persecuted, and ridiculed so that we could live forever. His son, Jesus, was the living sacrifice to end all living sacrifices. Literally translated as, the "Lamb of God". By dying on the cross and freely accepting the punishment He clearly did not deserve (as in addition to being fully human He was also fully divine (meaning fulling GOD), He paid the price for our sin. All we had to do was regret the sins, make our effort to do better, and accept the forgiveness God offers. It's a beautiful thing. By allowing Jesus to rise (in fulfillment of the scriptures), God also showed us that Jesus was 1) truly the Messiah and 2) alive.

I need to continue to pray for guidance, support, love, and the ability to "roll with the punches" so to speak. The "punches" meaning changes.