I have to be honest....

 I'm frustrated. Frustrated with my body that continues to decline and give me low energy when I really want the energy to be able to do things like most other individuals my age. Most of the time it's difficult for me to sit upright for a long time. After being "up and around" for a while, I have to try to lie down or sit with some pillows behind me so I can give my body a rest. I'm trying to figure out how I can continue to work 60 hours a pay period when my body clearly does not tolerate me doing so. I hoped that this new supplement pack would help with my low energy levels but I don't think it's helping much.
I'm to the point now where all I want is to be done with school so I can experience life for as long as humanly possible. I finally spoke to someone from my college after the messed up my program and as far as I know, I will be on the waiting list for the nursing program in the fall. My hope and prayer is that I will be able to start it on time an as originally planned. Being a nurses' aide is very difficult on my ever-declining body and I feel that if I were to get a job where I don't do so much lifting and physically exhausting work, I won't have so many issues.

So now I am left with frustration, anxiety, and most of all sadness. For the reality that is my life. Yes I realize that I will be OK and that I probably won't experience a serious crash anytime soon, but one never knows. Especially when you have numerous health issues that complicate your life immensely. I'm not one to throw a pity party, but I have to say a big part of me is angry.

I have to focus my energy on things other than anger though. I know that much for certain. I need to trust that God is going to see me through all of this and that He will sustain me. What else do I have left? I can't rely on my biological family, and I am not one who will easily rely on friends either. There will come a time when I have no choice. For now, I choose to share my diagnosis and a glimpse of my private world to a select few. Only the people I choose to tell should know about this illness. And I have to trust them before I will tell them anything.

My hope and prayer is that I will allow my focus to be on Jesus this week. It is, after all, holy week. Tonight I will be presenting the gifts for the Eucharist at the Holy Thursday Mass along with the other RCIA candidate. I am very nervous about this whole thing, even though I know for a fact without hesitation that I am making the right choice. This journey has been filled with many blessings and I have met many wonderful people throughout it. I pray that God will continue to bless me with good friendships and in turn also allow me to be a blessing to others. When you are struggling sometimes it's easy to forget others.

So now I am hoping that by being able to get some of this off of my chest I will now be allowed to more easily focus on Holy week. I need to think less about myself and more about the more important things, which includes my faith.