I am struggling more and more as time goes by. Becoming less and less patient with my body and life in general. I know Monday is a little more than twenty four hours away. That really isn't very long, but I am so incredibly frustrated with my increased pain levels and decreased energy levels. My body just is not allowing me to do what I want to. Today was a better day as far as all of this is concerned. But now I am paying for it. My entire top half feels heavy and burns. My legs are continuing to hurt as well as my hips and back. People may get tired of my comments about my health, but they do not realize how frustrating it is to try and cope with these things at the young age of twenty. Most twenty year olds can run and do anything they want to without worrying about not being able to breathe, having energy crashes, and dealing with constant pain. I do not live with that reality. My reality is, and has been for the past few years, constant pain. Yep, that's right, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, three hundred sixty five days a year. It's not fun. But, I have learned to cope with the pain the best I can.
I don't always do well with that, I am aware. See, when you deal with constant and severe pain, it changes you. My pain issues and lack of pain management make me quite short tempered, less patient than usual, and overall irritable. It's not ideal and it is frustrating to say the least. I have been hoping and praying that despite these facts God would allow me to get as much done as humanly possible and maintain my patience and tolerance levels. I am still able to get quite a bit done, as I have hoped for, but I have been overall miserable and irritable. I'm tired. Tired of being nice and smiling when nothing is okay. I'm sick of people expecting me to put a smile on my face and pretend that I'm not in pain. I don't think it's a good idea to take out my pain on others, don't get me wrong. But I am so frustrated with people telling me to "suck it up" or "deal with it". Easy for them to say!!! How can they justify what they are saying when they have NO idea what I am going through?! The fact is, they can't. And I'm not going to let them. I'm tired of letting my guard down and allowing myself to be taken advantage of. See, at work people decide that they can be lazy because they know I care and will do everything I can to make the people I care for happy and comfortable. Well, you know what? THEY can work for a change. I refuse to allow myself to decline more because they're to dang lazy to do anything. I'm done.
Maybe that sounds cynical. I don't care anymore. I used to. But I'm tired of constantly having a positive attitude and having everyone else jump down my throat and tear me down. So I'm standing up for myself. Whatever I have to do to make sure I don't have to do everything, I will do. My staffing coordinator wants me to consider decreasing my hours. I have to say now, her offer is tempting. I need to continue to pray about this.
I am also contemplating on changing majors and moving back to where I went to elementary, middle, and my first three years of high school. The colleges are better there and I may be able to figure out a living situation that would be both safe for me and beneficial. So, I also need to pray about that. In the midst of trying to get back to an acceptable baseline and come up with a good plan of care, I need to contemplate and pray about these decisions. I don't want to leave where I am but I have to do what is best for me and my health. The fact is, I can't keep doing this. I am both physically and emotionally exhausted. For most of my life I have put others before myself. But my health is declining, and somewhat rapidly at that. So it's time to figure out what is best for ME. I hope everyone understands why I am considering this, but even if they don't it will make sense and be best for me. I don't know if I can leave my residents...that is the biggest issue. So I have to figure it out. That's a ton of pressure, so right now the best thing I can do is prioritize. Let's get me stabilized and back to an acceptable baseline with a plan of care and move on from there. I pray that God will help lead me.
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