But I have been struggling more and more each day with pain, fatigue, and more very clear indications that my body is continuing to decline. I still am holding on to some hope that the supplements Dr. P decided to put me on to help my Mitochondrial Function will help me have some more quality of life. However, it's already been over two weeks and even though my energy levels are much better in the morning, later in the morning and into the early parts of the afternoon my energy levels begin to drop quite drastically and the pain levels increase. I don't ever get a break from the pain except for when I am sleeping, but it is nice to get some reprieve from the fatigue even though it's only for part of the day.
There is so much else going on in my life. I've been trying to work through so many things in my head. The biggest issues at hand currently are: a) Health issues and what to do about them b) Holy week and my being received into the church on SATURDAY and c) School. But trust me, there's a lot more going on with each of these issues and there are several more important issues going on right now. I mainly have chosen to focus on the three because they are the more pressing issues, and also because if I focus on more than three, I will become incredibly overwhelmed. Well, I can tell you I'm pretty much already there. But, I have to continue to keep praying about this situation. I need to pray that God will allow me to focus more clearly on one issue at a time rather than becoming overwhelmed because I'm looking at them all at once.
I have to decide whether or not I am going to reveal the seriousness of the illness/disease process going on in my body to my biological family. I know that may seem really stupid to most people, but I have realized that I can't rely much on my biological family and I am afraid that they will try to help me and then get tired of doing so, leaving me to try and figure things out by myself. This may seem incredibly cynical and pessimistic on my part, but if you grew up with my biological family, you would probably understand more clearly why I feel the way I do.
This week is an incredibly busy week for me. Yesterday I had a class half an hour from where I live, then I had to go to my workplace for its Auxiliary meeting. After that, I did some things at home for a while and went to the town I lived in for 16 years for the Chrism mass for our diocese. That mass was incredibly beautiful and held a great deal of meaning for me and all others in attendance. On Thursday during the mass, the other RCIA candidate and myself will be presenting the gifts for the Eucharist and will be the first ones to have our feet washed during the mass. On Saturday evening, I will be received into the church and finally receive the Eucharist. I know that it will prove to be a very powerful week for myself and others involved in the RCIA journey. I feel like it's been a very wonderful gift, especially since it has helped me keep going in the midst of the grief I have been experiencing and the numerous other issues including those with my health.
Earlier this week Sister told me I needed to choose a confirmation name for myself before Saturday. I chose Mary. The reasons I chose Mary are for our blessed mother Mary, the mother of Jesus and also because my adopted Grandma, Mary has been a very powerful example of a faithful person in my life. She taught me how to pray the Rosary, assisted Papa in teaching me about Catholicism and the Mass, and has prayed for me throughout the years she has known me. When I told her about this, and asked her whether or not she was OK with my using her name, she was very honored and actually began to cry. I thought about Josephine, for Papa, but I have decided to save that in case I have a daughter someday.
I'm continuing to rely on God throughout this week and I hope that He will help me to appreciate everything that occurs this week and take the time to enjoy everything. I know I need to spend more time in prayer and thinking more about my faith journey. I also want to find a dress to wear for the Easter Vigil service.
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