Bittersweet

That noun could be used in a lot of aspects of my life. This past week was one of them. I have a difficult time being with my biological families, because many of them do not realize how serious my health condition really is. Most of the time, I have no desire to divulge information to them, especially because of the fact that I realize many of them really do not understand the position I am in due to my health. And that's OK with me, for the most part. But what really gets me is when they point things out, that let me know that they have some idea of the way things are for me. Like, for instance, when I was talking with my cousin. She told me, and I quote, "I'd be scared if you ever got pregnant because I feel like anything that could possibly go wrong for you would." Whoa. I was not at all prepared for that.

It's interesting she brought up that point. Anyone who knows me in any capacity knows that I long to be a mother, to at least five children, if not more. That's been my dream for my whole life. It's even more important to me than my dream of being a nurse. Part of me doesn't even care if I don't get to be a nurse (though most of me does), but all of me wants to be a Mama. There are a few different reasons for this. 1) I have a nurturing personality- I have always taken care of people, since I was very young. I've been a caregiver to the elderly and the disabled for several years, even though I am only 20 years old. My caregiving is part of what defines me. And what better way to be nurturing than to have a herd of kids? (OK not a herd, but you get my point....)
2) I was not blessed with a stable family.- I love my family, I'll be the first to say that. My family means the world to me, but it doesn't mean that I trust most of the people within it. I don't. I don't even trust my own mother, and I have to be very careful as to what I say about my mother to anyone on her side of the family, because they will tell her everything I say. And I mean everything; good, bad, ugly, etc.
3) My sister and I, growing up, had only each other- And don't get me wrong, I love my sister. She means the world to me. She also does not understand my relationship with our mother. Mainly because she had a very different experience growing up than I did. She was blessed (and continues to be, to my knowledge) with stable health. I wasn't. Not only did I have very unstable emotions, I also had very difficult health problems. And I continue to. These health problems make it extremely difficult for anyone my age to relate to me, or anyone remotely close to my age. Hell, forty year olds have a difficult time relating to me. Anyone who has stable health does. People don't understand why I don't do things, they think I'm just lazy. I want to scream to them sometimes, "I have an energy wasting disease you amoeba! I'm not lazy!" Of course, I don't for fear of pissing people off. But they do enough of that to me that sometimes it is tempting. But I completely missed my original point. Anyway....I want my kids to never be lonely. There's strength in numbers. I realize that siblings very rarely get along well all of the time, but when they have each other, they have more support.

And then we go back a couple nights, to my horrendous dream.
Remember how I said I've had a dream that I had a child with Mito? And seizures? Well, I had it again.
But this time was different...
She died.
No joke.
I remember holding her and saying "I never dreamed this for you, baby" and her looking at me like "I know Mama"
Talk about a reason to wake up bawling. Seriously.

You'd think that would completely remove my desire to have children.
It didn't.

I am an awful person. I know that.
And I honestly don't know what more to say.