Life..

Life is made up of moments. Moments determine actions, emotions, and a host of other things. Today, I've had moments...a mixture of them, some being very postitive, others being negative. I've had moments today where I have been so happy, but then moments where all I can think about is bursting into tears, curling up into a ball, and asking God to help me. I'm stuck in the latter of the two right now.

To be honest, I can't honestly say why I feel this way. It's a combination of things. Part of it, is that pain levels have been pretty high lately. My stamina has been down. I am not able to eat well, still. I'm doing my best to get as much nutrition as possible. I don't know what to do anymore.

I want to schedule an appointment with Dr. P. I'm frustrated. I don't know what more he can do, but if this continues, another decline is imminent. I'm not doing this to be negative, or to be pessimistic, or to jinx myself. No. I'm doing this because I've seen it happen to me time and time again. I'm tired of it. I don't want to allow myself to further decline. I've had it.

I have said it before. But now, it's more pressing. Things are not getting much better. I don't know what Dr. P can come up with, but he needs to figure something out. Furthermore, these bladder spasms are unbearable.

Last night, I decided to try to start sleeping at 10. Guess what time I finally settled in? One o'clock in the morning!! That's right--three hours from when I originally tried to sleep. Why, you ask? Bladder spasms. I was up trying to empty my bladder no less than fifteen times. It may actually be more. In three hours!!! You tell me how you'd deal with that, especially when you have to be up at a decent hour in the morning. I was only able to sleep five hours.

I'm furious. This is not the way to get better. I need eight to ten hours on a normal night, and when I'm trying to heal, I need at least ten hours, if not twelve to fourteen. How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to get better and stronger? I need to light a fire under Urology. I need answers. No more Miss Nice Girl. I can't do this. I refuse to allow myself to decline further .

I am in a difficult situation. Not only am I to advocate for myself, which is nearly impossible, but I also need to figure out medical bills. I need to make and advance directive. There are so many things I need to do. I'm completely overwhelmed. That's nothing new. I want to break down and cry but I don't know who will be there to hold my hand. I'm tired. So tired. I don't want to fight everything anymore. But it is worth fighting, at least it seems that way most of the time. But sometimes I can't pull myself out of this funk. I will do it again. But I'm having a hard time now.

I'm asking God to be here for me. I know He will answer me. But sometimes it is so lonely. I don't know how I'm going to pull myself out of this one. I know I will, but I don't know how.