Preparing myself...

I'm preparing myself for a journey of sorts. Life, of course, is a journey in itself, but I want to take a journey of self discovery. I want to figure out who I truly am and what purpose God has in store for me. For many months, years even, I have attempted to understand why this is happening to me. I've come to the realization that there probably isn't a reason, and even if there is, I probably won't ever know what it is.
Last night I was able to attend the Mass for All Saints Day. The saints give us a wonderful example of what we should be like. It's not to say that the saints did not struggle against sin, because they did. The only saint without sin is the Blessed Virgin Mary. Catholics maintain that belief to this day. I was very uplifted by the experience of attending Mass last evening, although I know that was the case last year as well. The only problem was that last year I attended Mass in the morning before Papa passed away (he passed away around 3 PM last year on All Saints Day). During the Mass, I called to mind the many people in my life who have passed away in the past year. There are many, from Riley, Papa, Aleia, and my adopted Grandma to the many residents whom I have cared for toward the end of their lives. Death is something I am very familiar with. At times I can sense it, and for the most part, I'm not afraid of it. The only thing concerning death that I am afraid of, for my own part is suffering beyond what I believe is acceptable (such as prolonging my life when it is not needed or when I do not want it), and not having enough time to fulfill my life's dreams.

I am doing the best I can to make my dreams a reality. My work ethic will prove to be very useful in achieving my goals. This past semester I have spent a great deal of time studying and making sure I am doing everything in my power to have the best grades possible. Fairly soon, I will be going back to work, which will be a huge blessing, but it is also going to test me. The test will be maintaining a happy medium between school work, working at the Home, taking care of myself, and a social life (if that is even possible). But another priority I need to have is to ensure that God has a center place in my life. Without God, I have nothing, and without Him, I am nothing. God is who has given me the strength to remove my obstacles, and He will continue to sustain me through times of trouble. I have to hold onto my faith, because in all honesty, it is what keeps me sane at times.

I suppose many of you may be wondering what exactly it is I am preparing myself for. The beauty of it is, I don't really know. Thanksgiving and Christmas are fast approaching, and I don't know exactly where God is going to lead me. All I do know is, it's time for me to let go of the control I think I have and allow God to take the wheel for awhile. It's not to say that much has changed, yet. I just know that God is calling me to a deeper understand, and of what, I can't say. To be honest, I'm not sure why I'm writing this, because it's very likely that anyone who reads this may think I'm absolutely crazy. And maybe I am. I guess I'll deal with that when it surfaces.

For now, I just know I want more. I want more out of life. And the only way I can think to do that is to let go for awhile. I don't know what I need to let go of right now, God will tell me. But there is something happening here. Again, I can't say what. I just know that I need to be in prayer about this, and that I need to trust God to lead me in what is right. I'm through trying to take control of everything. Part of living life is realizing that there are things you just cannot control, no matter how hard you may try.

I pray also that the people in my life, and the many canonized Saints will intercede on my behalf. I know they will. I have many people in heaven who are waiting for me, praying for me, and watching over me. I am very blessed. I do lose sight of that fact at times, but I am blessed.

Today is All Souls Day. We are called to pray for the souls in Purgatory. Purgatory is another blog post entirely, perhaps I will write more about that some other time.

For now, I will allow God to lead me.