Oh why not?

In the past few weeks, I've been asked several times if I journal. That's definitely an interesting question, because I always say..."it depends on what you mean by 'journal'..." I find this blog somewhat therapeutic, because I am able to put my thoughts "out there" so to speak.

As far as how I'm doing, that depends on what you mean. I'm not doing very well physically, that much is certain. I have a suspicion that I may be running fevers off and on, although I have not attempted to confirm that suspicion. Confirming it isn't really going to do anything at this point. Especially since tylenol has not proven to give me any pain control or lower fevers. So what's the point? At night I've been using a gel cool pack on my neck and shoulders, which has helped with the "fevers" and pain. I'm doing as much as I can at this point without seeking pain medication if I can help it. I'm still taking a pain medication at night so I am able to settle down a little better when I'm trying to sleep. I've been switching to showers every other day now that I've been off of work. Showering has been proving to be very exhausting at times. Not showering on certain days has helped with my energy levels marginally.

Now that I'm getting closer to my neurology appointment, my nerves and anxiety are definitely getting the better of me. In some instances, I'm finding myself thinking "OK, Tuesday couldn't come fast enough before, now I'm wanting a little more time." There is a great deal of anxiety surrounding this appointment. I want to be able to go back to work after Tuesday, but I know that it may not be realistic to have that expectation. The reality is, I may have to endure some more testing and things before I go back to work. I'm doing my best not to have too many expectations with this appointment. I have to be realistic.

Last night I was finally able to get to Mass, which was greatly comforting to me. Mass is a very special time to me, and has helped me a great deal in the past especially where my health and comfort are concerned. Going to communion, sitting with my fellow parishoners, kneeling in prayer, singing familiar hymns, it all is very familiar to me, which has helped a great deal. After I go to Mass, I feel a very tangible sense of peace. That peace is very difficult to come by, especially lately.

I also was able to begin getting ahead in some classes, especially sociology. After working on my Algebra homework, I also began writing a draft of the things I want the neurologist to know. Most noteable of these things of course is the log I obtained from my nurses at work of my seizure activity. This will hopefully assist the neurologist in her diagnosis. I have several questions for her, including whether or not she agrees with Dr. P's suspicion of Mitochondrial disease, if I should seek Palliative care, what I should do in regard to a medical alert bracelet, what testing she wants ordered, what things are available to ensure for pain control, comfort, and quality of life. These, and many other questions. I find myself very overwhelmed when I think about this appointment.

I am continuing to keep this situation in prayer. I continue to hope Tuesday will bring more answers, which I am desperately seeking.