Anyone that has known me for a period of time and really knows me...I mean....REALLY knows me, knows that I have struggled for my entire life with numerous health issues that have worsened in severity as I get older. Fortunately, most people don't know me very well so they truly know and understand the severity and pain of my illness. I choose not to reveal that about myself for the most part because I know that people will see me differently. Of course, how they will see me would be largely dependent on the person that they are, but that's another subject.
Ahem. Anyway. Back to my original...point. I have had a lot of pain and fatigue these past few weeks especially, ever since I contracted Influenza B. Yes, I am long past being contagious. However, I am still not back to my baseline. I fear that the way things are right now is my baseline. Yep. Meaning, that it will not get better than this anymore. I'm honestly and truly doing my best to think positively and accept things as they are and continue to strive for my original baseline. But, I also know that I need to be as reallistic as humanly possible. I don't want to be so optimistic and hopeful that I can't face reality.
I had an appointment with Dr. P, my PCP yesterday. We had a lengthly discussion about how things have been going with me. I told him about the Influenza B and also about the shaking spells and eye blinking/eye movements. Not to mention the increase in pain and fatigue. Honestly, for the past few years I have been in pain all day every day. Very few people actually know what I go through every day. I don't tell my residents, and I don't tell most of my coworkers. Yes, I do this for fear of having them view me differently. I want to be seen as an active and vital young adult. If I tell them about all of these things, I fear they will see me as weak and vulnerable. I hate to be seen that way. Yes, I am still quite independent even though someday I may not be able to do things for myself. Again, I am attempting not to get too negative. I also want to be realisitc. It's difficult to find a "happy medium" when it comes to this type of thing. Not a whole lot I can do about it. This is my life. But...some days I wonder what my life would be like without all of these issues.
My life wouldn't even be recognizable. I wouldn't know how to function. My whole life I have been learning to adapt with each change this disease presents me with. Not having to adapt would be strange. I would feel like a fish out of water. Yes, I realize people will probably think that sounds ridiculous.
I still have so much I want to do with my life. I have real dreams. I want to be married and have children. I want to be a nurse. My hope and prayer is that despite this disease, I will still be able to do these things. I don't want it to take those things away. Yep, I know...it sounds crazy. I'm just saying what I honestly feel in my heart. I have to, I feel, because I believe that having these things "out in the open" so to speak because it helps me with things.
So....on Monday morning somewhat early, I will be going to Dr. P's office to be tested for Adrenal Insufficiency. It again points to Mitochondrial Disease. Yes, I have suspected this for years. I'm fairly certain that this is what is going on with me and my body. I know my body quite well, as I've lived in it for 20 years. With everything that has happened, I have learned to be as alert as possible to changes in things with my body.
Well...I suppose I need to stop rambling. This weekend I only have Friday and Saturday off, I have to work Sunday because I have something to do next week for church and had to take next Sunday off.
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