March 8, 2011

See...things have been incredibly difficult for me in the past few months. I have seen very noticeable changes in my energy levels and pain. It seems like an energy crash can be just moments away sometimes. My lab results will take a while to come back. I know for sure that the next time I go into Dr. P, I need to talk to him about a possible diagnosis of Mitochondrial disease. He really is good at listening and I trust him. I'm nervous about what my lab results are going to reveal, although I'm fairly certain it will show things that will indicate an overall decline in my health. It's been happening for the past few months and it seems like it just keeps getting worse. I know that there isn't a cure for Mito. I also know that there are not a lot of effective treatments. But, I need a diagnosis because at least I can say for sure that I know what's wrong and maybe someday there will either be a cure or more effective treatments. I can not give up hope, and I feel that when I actually have a diagnosis I will be able to be more proactive about preventing energy crashes. They may still happen, but hopefully they won't be as severe. Things have been difficult for me as my pain levels are continuing to increase. I'm frustrated because my energy crashes and the like have been preventing me from attending Mass as regularly as I would like. So yeah, it's frustrating. Mass is a very special time in the week that allows me to focus on what is truly important in my life. God needs to come first. And he does. My physical issues do get in the way of attending Mass. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. I really need to be in Mass tomorrow. So, I am planning on getting up a bit earlier than I am used to so I can make it to Mass. I also need to meet with Sister Jane, the leader of our RCIA group so that we can talk a bit more about my journey. Honestly I think if I wasn't dealing with so much this year it would be a lot easier for me to focus on my faith journey. Between work, school, and dealing with a very serious illness, life is very overwhelming at times. I need to continue to ask God for both guidance and peace. Part of what made Papa such an inspiring individual was the fact that despite his very difficult physical situation, his faith remained incredibly strong. He inspired many, including his caregivers, his family, myself, and his own priest. In order to deal with this illness in the best possible way, my emotions and my spirit need to be as health as possible. Meaning, I have to work on strengthing those areas of myself that I can strengthen. My body may be somewhat weak and become weaker as time goes by, but as long as I have a strong spirit and faith, and my emotions remain positive I will be able to deal with my physical limitations. Today my friend and I talked a little more about getting a place together. My friend B has Cerebral Palsy, which limits her mobility significantly. Of all of my friends, no one truly understands what it's like to have a condition that limits things. My illness has not been as severe in my past as it is now. Unfortunately it has shown to worsen as I get older. It is really important that I do as much as I can to make sure I am doing everything possible to help myself. Anyway, I feel that it would be a good idea for B and I to get a place together. We take care of each other, it's what we have done for a long time. So I also need to be in prayer about what is best for me.