March 7, 2011

Well...today brought the testing I was somewhat nervous about...which basically turned out to be a needle stick and a crap ton tubes of blood! OK probably only like five...but still. I sit here wondering how much longer I will be able to go on like this. I am constantly in pain, and have been for the past few years...but the pain is getting more and more intense as the days go by. Last night I had such an incredibly horrible and intense headache that it took me a while to get to sleep and I was extremely nauseous. I really don't know what more I can do. I try to sleep and I don't sleep long enough to feel renewed when I wake up. I honestly wish I could say that I do, but I don't. Every day I just keep hoping and praying that I have enough strength to get through each day. Some days I wonder if the strength will be enough. I am doing my best to be as positive as humanly possible. As anyone who is probably reading this can tell, I'm not doing a very good job right now. Someday when I have a better day with pain control and my mind is a little clearer I will probably be more optimistic. But for today, I'm kind of pitying myself. Yes, I'm aware that pitying myself is a sign of weakness. But come on, anytime one deals with these types of issues, we are bound to have days like this. Sometimes the bad days can become more prevalent than the good days. A lot of that can be attributed to the weather and the lack of sunshine. I don't consider myself to be one with a seasonal affective disorder, but I think all people have a touch of it. I am very seriously hoping that things will get better as soon as the weather starts to clear up. And, I'm also hoping that the weather clears up fast! I have had enough of the horrible winter weather. Right now, I'm watching a movie called Love and Other Drugs. I didn't realize exactly what the movie was about, but now that I know what it is about I'm very glad I bought it. See, the woman in the movie has early-onset Parkinson's disease. She attempts to get into a "no strings attached" sexual relationship with a doctor. It gives a person with a chronic illness perspective on life. Sometimes I think that because I have this illness I won't be able to fall in love and have someone want to be with me. I realize though, that if a person is truly in love with you, they take you for who you are, and whatever you bring with you. When that happens to be an illness, and a serious one at that, things are more complicated. However, I do not intend to give up hope. I hope and pray every day that God will give me the strength to do as much as humanly possible for Him in spite of all this pain. The pain is intense, and it's difficult to deal with at times. But anyway, I guess I'm just doing my best each and every day.