Great Grandma May is now in the Intensive Care Unit. She had a blood sugar of 1034 (no, I'm not typing that wrong!) and is septic. No, she's not diabetic. I'm completely confused as to why this is happening to her. And tired. And angry. And sad. A whole mixture of emotions. I guess in some ways, I would be happy for her if she were able to go and be with Grandpa, who just passed away over a month ago. But I honestly would be lost without her. She's the happiest person I know. We have grown so close in the past few years (yes I know that sounds crazy because she does have Alzheimer's), and I have spent a few years now taking care of her. This week I am taking my finals, graduating, and getting ready for my Internship and Boards. In no way am I prepared to deal with this. Remember, Grandpa just passed a little over a month ago.
But here's the thing. I love my Grandma. She means the world to me. She's been happy for a couple of years now, and she's lived a long life. I don't want her to be in pain and I don't want a quality of life for her that she would not want for herself if she were lucid.
Here's what I know thus far.
Her glucose level when I left was 451 mg/dL. Still very high, but not nearly as high as it was when she came in. They have had her on an insulin drip to get her glucose down slowly to where it needs to be. Getting her glucose level down too fast can be dangerous in and of itself. She is still not awake. Although she was mumbling a bit in her sleep (none of which I could make any words out of), and I am pretty sure I saw eyes a few times. I held her hand and she held it back, which I took as a sign that she knew I was there. She also turned her head toward me when I talked to her. Her respiratory status is still pretty bad also. She is on oxygen at 5 liters to maintain her oxygen saturations and the nurses are giving her nebulizers to help clear secretions from her lungs. Time will tell as to whether or not she will wake up, or whether or not she will make it.
I told her that it is OK to go. That Grandpa was waiting for her and that if she was ready, we would all be OK. I would rather her stay with me, but if she needed to go to heaven that I would be OK. Not exactly the kind of conversation one wants to have with their Grandma, but I needed to do this for her. I felt that she needed this. I gave her permission because sometimes, people need permission from their loved ones to die. If that's what she needs, I will give it to her. I just want to do what is best for her. Only God can take better care of her than I can. While this whole thing breaks my heart, and I know that it's going to be incredibly painful, if this is what she needs, I need to look beyond my own selfish desires and do what needs to be done.
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