On May 19, 2013 at 10:00 AM, my sweet Grandma May passed away with me holding her and my Grandma sitting with us in her room. I had scarcely left her bedside since Friday evening. Last week was a very long, trying week for me. On Monday, after I took my first final I found out Grandma was moved out of the Critical Care Unit. She woke up and was sitting in a chair. Her blood sugars were stable after her insulin drip that night and she was on sliding scale insulin. Tuesday was more touchy, she needed to be fed. I fed her supper and she ate very well for me. Wednesday was a wonderful day. She was Grandma nearly ten years ago! It was wonderful to be able to talk to her, to visit and laugh. But Thursday began the darkness. She took a turn for the worse. Her labs were beginning to stabilize, and it looked like she would soon be ready to discharge. However, she was starting to have rattling sounds with her respirations and starting to fall back into her sleep-like state.
We then decided enough was enough. Grandma was not going to get better, and it was time to admit her to hospice. I was sick. I didn't want to say goodbye yet. I knew that it was a loving thing to let her go. And I realized that it was time. But still, saying goodbye, making that decision was a very difficult thing for my family.
Friday was the day of my graduation. Early that morning, I got my hair done. Then, I headed to the hospital. She was going to be discharged to the nursing home that afternoon and given hospice care there. For which I was grateful. I told Grandma she had to wait until I graduated so we could do this together. I wanted to be by her side. So, I went to the graduation and pinning. I was pinned and graduated. The nursing home called me in the middle of my graduation to let me know that she was not doing well. I stayed the night with her on Friday night. We had an awful night. I tried to make sure she was suctioned, but she ended up nearly choking on her secretions and I ended up needing to ask them to give her Morphine to keep her comfortable. Morphine is used at the end of life for pain and for breathing...many people who are dying get what is called air hunger. This medication helps with that feeling.
Saturday was another story. Things continued downhill. She came out of the Morphine and it was then that I decided I wanted it given routinely. I did not want to see her suffering anymore. I also decided that I needed to find someone to work for me so that I could be with her. Someone needed to make sure she was comfortable and also we needed to do this together. Her vitals were beginning to go down also. When I finally found someone to work for me, I called my Grandma and told her that if she wanted to be with Grandma May when she passed away, she should probably come and be with us, because it was difficult to see how long it was going to be. She came, and we spent the night together, all three of us.
Grandma Linda and I each had a recliner. I think we each got about two hours of sleep. At around 9, the hospice aide came and cleaned Grandma May a little, helped me change her gown. Then, around 9:45, I crawled into bed with her and held her close. Grandma Linda got a phone call. I think Grandma May needed me to cuddle with her, because it was around 10 that I saw that she was going. I told Grandma Linda she needed to get off of the phone, Grandma May was gone.
It's not her I'm sad for. It's me. All of the family. She was the best mother, the best grandma anyone could ask for. I miss her so much already. The unit just isn't the same without her. Grandma was the happiest person I knew. The past three years have been about taking care of her, protecting her, making sure she is happy. I am lost without her. She was beautiful both inside and out. Grandma Linda lost her best friend, I can honestly say in a way that I did too. But she is with Grandpa now, and her baby boy, Junior, whom she hasn't seen in over 20 years. I'm struggling now to just deal with everything. I know she waited until I could be with her. I know she loved me. I know that despite her Alzheimer's disease, she still looked for me and knew me.
It makes my heart happy to know that these two are together again. Grandma, I love you more than words can say and I miss you already. Working just isn't the same without you following me around or looking for me. Caring for you was one of the greatest joys of my life. I miss you and I love you, thank you for being the best grandma a girl could ask for!
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