Rambling

It's Spring.  But at the same time, I can't help but wonder what exactly is in store for me.  There is so much happening, and I am truly overwhelmed. That's a common theme in my life.

My grandpa's best friend, who was basically like a grandpa to me, passed away Wednesday morning after a long battle with Lukeima. He suffered many years and on Monday I knew that it wasn't going to be long. Thankfully, my aunt from Las Vegas came to visit and was able to see him before he died. For some reason, this is hitting me harder than I expected.

Don't get me wrong, I knew it would be difficult. It's not like I haven't been through this before. If the fall of 2010 was survivable, I can do this too. But it's hard. And I hurt. More than usual. The loss is fresh, as is the wound. I feel more than I thought I would. And what's weird is that I didn't truly cry until I saw him after he passed away.

Not only am I dealing with grief, but I sense another decline coming. I can't really figure out why. My appointment with Dr. G, my new primary care doctor was wonderful. He is actually going to put me on an anti-seizure medication. What he told me is that he wants to start me on Lyrica and discontinue the Neurontin. If not Lyrica, then they'll try Keppra. I have not received a call from the pharmacy saying that I was approved for it, so I'm not exactly sure where that's at. In addition to that, he is wanting to taper off on the Propranolol. My only conern with this is that my blood pressure fluctuates and at times gets so high that my body is in the fight or flight mode. Time will tell on how that goes. I also ordered my medical alert bracelet and am waiting for that to come in to the pharmacy.

I am so tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of managing everything. I'm tired of life in general.

What's more, my step dad's other grandpa (the one that doesn't have Alzheimer's) was recently diangosed with Parkinson's. It's just one thing after another.

I'm tired of it. All of it. I just want to jump ship for a week. I want a week of nothing. No looming assignments, calls to doctors and other medical professionals, work, and scheduling everything. No one can do it for me. No one will help me. I have to do it myself. I am fiercely independent.

The person I have asked to be my Power of Attorney has not yet told me what they decided. Because of the lack of response, I am guessing the answer is no. I'm not sure yet how I feel about it.

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about anything anymore.

Tomorrow is another day. With more expectations, more issues. Sigh. It never ends.