I really haven't felt much up to blogging lately. Honestly it's not because of any one thing, but mainly it's just me being overwhelmed with all of the things that are going on in my life. This move is going to take some time and energy on my part, I don't have nearly as much done as I would have liked. I was hoping by now to have most of the stuff moved from my grandparent's house. A lot of that has been moved, but there is still a lot more I want to do.
In addition, I'm just very overwhelmed as a result of my family situation. I have been forced to see my mother not for who I thought she was, but who she really is. And the truth of the matter is she is not the person I was raised to believe she was. She tried her best, I will give her that. But during my childhood I was left with a lot of unknowns. I'm not saying my childhood was horrible, but it was close. My mother for me is an extremely unhealthy person to be around. Every time I see her, I'm more on edge, more nervous and more frustrated. She calls me sometimes and says "I miss you", but the problem is, I don't really miss her too. There wasn't much to miss. Call me callous, call me rude, whatever. But she has not been a parent to me for a long time. I've been on my own a lot longer that people realize. It has made me a stronger person in many ways, but it still makes me wonder what could have been. Nothing can change what has happened. I don't really regret anything, I am just mad because my mother treats myself and my sister entirely differently. She actually takes care of my sister. I know I shouldn't be upset about that, but it does make me angry at times. It makes me wonder why I wasn't good enough. Like, why is my sister better than me? I feel like maybe I was a bad child. I had to have done something, otherwise she wouldn't be this way toward me. And no matter how hard I try, I can't erase those thoughts from my head. In some ways I realize that my mother simply is who she is and there was nothing I could have done to change things...but when she treats my sister better it makes me wonder. The other night I was in my old hometown and my sister wanted me to go to our mother's. Every time I'm in town she wants me to see her. I don't want to see her. I wish she would understand that, but she can't. She is treated differently. She relies on her mother. Well, good for her. But I can't. I can't risk having myself hurt again. It's happened far too many times and I can't let myself go through it any more.
Furthermore, my mother refuses to recognize my illness for what it actually is. It's as if a diagnosis means nothing to her. She has had this picture of me being a weakling, hypochondriac who is depressed but the reality is I am none of those things. I have a pretty high pain tolerance (I have to, because I'm in pain literally all of the time), and I have gone through a lot in my life. She refuses to see me as anything but weak. With that being said, she is my mother. She gave me life and I will always be grateful to her for that. But as far as being a parent, she isn't one. At least not to me. Ever since Papa died I feel like I'm an orphan. Papa was really the only parent I ever felt I had and now that he's gone I'm lost. I find myself wanting to talk to him about everything like I used to, and I know that I could still talk to him, but I miss his physical presence in my life. I miss seeing his smile. Sometimes I'm afraid I will forget what he looked like. In many ways I have come a long way in the grief journey, but I still struggle a great deal at times. Especially since this loss came at a time when I had two other significant losses surrounding it. That's not easy for anyone to deal with. I know they say that deaths often come in threes, but I didn't need to lose my Grandma, my Papa, and one of my best friends in a month and three days. I could have gone without that, thanks. No wonder I couldn't read after that. I would literally look at words and I couldn't put them together. To me, they just all looked like letters that were thrown together, making no sense to me at all. Reading has always been a big part of my life. I have always been good at reading and I love reading books for fun.
I'm trying my best to just get through each day. I'm glad I have a book. I should be done moving in a little over a week and a half. That will be a definite relief.
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