Haunting...

It's very difficult for me to think about things lately. SO many things have been haunting me lately. Mainly, I've been having very vivid and real dreams about having a daughter with very severe Mitochondrial disease. In the dreams, she is absolutely beautiful. But she struggles with numerous problems including very serious seizures. I see myself in these dreams struggling trying to take care of this baby girl. She only knows two words "mama" and "papa". I don't know why these dreams are so real and vivid. At times when I wake from these dreams, tears come to my eyes. It's like watching what my future may be like. I wonder why I have these dreams. While I know it may not actually be that way, it is scary sometimes. I know I could very well handle having a child with Mito and severe seizures. I mean, I'm a nurses' aide in addition to being a nursing student. I've cared for children with special needs and seizures for years. So there's not too much question that I could handle it, especially since I have Mito myself. But aside from that, it's kind of odd to think about these dreams.

And when I think about it, sometimes I wonder why I would even entertain the idea of having children of my own the good ol' natural way when it's very likely that I will have a child with Mito. I mean, I can understand people wondering why I would want to put my future child through just some of what I've been through. But, there is no shame in having Mito. Someday there may be a cure. And yes, it's very likely, but who's to say that my child with Mito does not deserve to live? I have to pray about this a lot. Clearly I do not plan on having children anytime soon. But, I have wanted children for my whole life. And having Mito should not take that dream away. I almost refuse to let it. Like I said, I do have to pray about it. But I feel that God is telling me (in a weird way) that I could handle it. It wouldn't be without it's struggles, that's for sure. Whether or not I could handle it is not to be disputed. It would be difficult and it would no doubt bring tears.

Here's the thing though. I think of it this way. When I think of Wootzi (Aleia), Papa, Little Miss Riley, and my adopted Grandma, I think about the fact that I knew in a way that they were "on loan". Meaning, they wouldn't live very long after I met them. Of course, I didn't really know how long it would be. But, knowing that my time with them was limited, I wouldn't trade knowing them for the world. Nor would I trade having them in my life. So I guess I just think that if God wants me to have a child with Mito in the future, I will. I would have to rely on Him for guidance, support, and many other things. The life I would experience would be very different from the average parent. But graces would come from that. So at this point that's kind of where I'm at with the whole situation. I'm not much for genetic engineering and all that jazz, so I will just trust the Lord when the time comes for me to have children. Whatever will be, will be. I will trust that God knows what is right and what I can handle.

I want to post more about other things...but right now I just feel that this post is enough. It's quite a bit to think about...and I have more moving things to think about. This weekend is the time!! I am so excited but I have a lot of calls to make regarding medical situations. I have to call Dr. P tomorrow because I have been experiencing another increase in pain. This increase doesn't seem to want to stop for anything. I could use some prayers specifically for that. I wonder if someday I can reveal this blog to more people. I do feel kind of stupid about having a blog and not sharing it. Maybe I should be more open about sharing my experiences.