So I used to be one of those annoying people that started to play Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving. I loved making Christmas goodies with my family. I enjoyed planning Christmas get-togethers. Christmas was my favorite time of year.
When did all that change?
In 2016. The day I knew my daughter was going to die. The day I realized that there would be no Christmases, no gifts to give her under the tree, no nights snuggling during a snow storm. The day we buried her and with her, all of our dreams of the life we could have had, that she could have had. One that she so deserved but was not able to have.
It all changed that year. Everything changed. Life has never been the same since, and it never will be.
I was so excited when I found out I was going to be a mom for so many reasons. Being a mother was always one of my lifelong dreams. When I realized that I was sick, I never really knew if that dream was ever going to be a reality. God has blessed me with three beautiful little girls. One that I had to give back way too soon. And two that are living have had struggles, some which could have or did threaten their lives at one point or another. But the point is, I did have children. I do have children.
Some of those dreams did include the holidays. I dreamed of baking Christmas cookies and other goodies with my children. Of going to Christmas Eve Mass with them. Of snuggling together in our jammies watching movies and just enjoying our time together. Cherishing the spirit of the season.
Of course the reason we celebrate Christmas has not changed. It's all because one little baby was born so many years ago. He paid the ultimate price for our sins. Because of Him, we have the promise of a life beyond this earthly life. A life without the pain, without the sadness, without the physical limitations.
What if we took away all of the superficial bullshit from this holiday and instead focused on what it really means. Regardless of whether you are Christian or not, Christmas is about giving. It's about coming together, enjoying life. Maybe instead of going into debt to buy your kids Christmas gifts, just get them a few things and instead focus on what really matters. Your kids aren't going to take so much joy in the memories of what you bought them for Christmas. They are going to remember the nights they went to bed in anticipation of Christmas morning. They're going to remember baking and decorating Christmas cookies, or going to church with you, or going to Grandma's house.
Trust me on this. As an adult, my memories of Christmas are more focused on the experiences. The togetherness. The love. The joy. Sure, I remember that my parents bought me some wonderful gifts, and of course I appreciated them, and still do. But really, the memories that mean more have little to nothing to do with the gifts I received.
I've been in the nursing field my entire adult life. At 16 years old I started working at the nursing home and since then my heart has been with elder care. Sometimes it seems like my family doesn't understand that when I became a nurse, I accepted that I would likely work every other holiday for my career. But you know what, most of the time I don't mind. Sure, I'd love to be snuggling with my babies, but the residents need me too. Some of them don't see their families during the holidays. Or they see them, but they often aren't included in the large family gatherings. It is very rare that residents are able to go outside of the facility with their families. Some are fortunately able to do that, and some families do really take the initiative to ensure their loved one is included.
OK so I deviated a little from my original point, I think.
I guess what I'm saying is, Christmas just isn't the same for me anymore. I still go through the motions of celebrating, but often my heart just isn't in it like it used to be. Thankfully, God blessed me with two other children who are thriving and I am able to share the holidays with them. It does bring me some comfort, and I do really make an effort to make the holidays a special time for them. Of course, there is also the added worry of trying to keep Nora away from any sort of illness. She is really doing well, but any sort of illness could have catastrophic consequences. So, now we are really careful about going to family gatherings. The fact is, we just can't make them all.
I have lots of family. Technically I have four families that want us with them for the holidays. It is literally impossible to please everyone. There are times when I just want to say forget it and not go anywhere. Traveling with children is always a challenge, but combine that with the added challenges of Nora's medical equipment and making sure you have everything (and I do mean everything) necessary to take care of her. We have to be prepared for any emergency. That means we haul around a LOT of crap. Travel vent, oxygen tanks, travel suction machine, blankets, feeding tube supplies, formula, an ambu-bag in case we have to manually give Nora breaths, a car battery. The list goes on and on. Oh and let's not forget that damn ridiculous joke of a cart they gave us to cart her around in. (Yes, I really do hate the thing, but it is a temporary solution. That is another story entirely. I'm still fighting that battle.) So yeah when you're trying to get all of that together it's a little difficult to be excited about going places. I literally dread going to doctor appointments or any sort of outing because it's a huge energy drain. And let's face it, as a person with an energy wasting disease that is just no Bueno.
Anyway. I'm rambling and this post is getting long.
I'll make it simple.
Buy the gifts, but don't go overboard. Keep humble and try to steer away from greed and materialism.
Make the memories.
Read the books (over, and over, and over again. Yes I'm talking about you Lydia....)
Bake the cookies.
Sing the Christmas carols or hymns.
Praise the Lord, give thanks that He was on earth to die for our sins.
Or you know, be happy because it's Christmas if Jesus isn't your thing.
Do you.
But most of all,
Love.
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