I should probably have made this post a while ago...

So I've hinted and even said it before. But I suppose it might be helpful to know the whole story.

I'm Autistic.

Yep, that's right. I said it.

Except I was only diagnosed earlier this year. Why, you might ask? Well, I guess the short story is that I am able to function fairly well even though I am incredibly socially awkward. And then of course there's the stereotype a lot of people still think Autism is. The person who's non-verbal, flaps their hands around, etc. or someone who's insanely intelligent or has perfect pitch or something. I do not fit into either of those molds. I was speaking in full sentences at two years old, so naturally no one questioned my development.

But throughout my school years, I was the "weird" kid. And I'll admit it, I'm weird. I was made fun of constantly. Sometimes it took a long time for me to catch on to what other kids were saying. Or I would completely miss the point and they laughed at me.

That hurt.

Again, I didn't think anything of it. Except for the fact that I didn't like being made fun of.

Now looking back, it's so obvious.

I used to cry when I heard the fire alarms at school. Or the tornado sirens. I couldn't handle pep rallies because they were too loud. I thought it was because of my hearing loss. See, I have severe hearing loss in my right ear, and I thought that might be the culprit. Then I realized, when I went away from the pep rallies, there was a group of kids that had to do the same.

Oh yeah, they all had Autism.

There have also been many times where I was unable to control my angry outbursts, and when I would get upset, I literally could not calm myself down. Everyone else thought this was just anxiety or even worse, immaturity. I can recall a family member getting angry with me for saying something or acting a certain way and me being unable to control my anger back, screaming of course and them saying "I can't believe you're almost 30 years old and acting like this."

Yeah, that hurt too.

So you might be wondering why I didn't do something about it sooner? Well, the answer to that is pretty simple. I was used to pretending I wasn't autistic, and sometimes I was pretty damn good at it. But things changed once Mito set in, and again when Amelia died.

Touch became overwhelming. Scents would make me angry. Being hot or feeling pinned down or restricted filled me with rage. There were times I couldn't even hug my husband, or even be touched by him. And when I became a mom, at first it wasn't noticeable quite as much. Then Lydia happened. Of course she didn't understand why mama couldn't handle her being so close. Seeing my little girl in tears because she just wanted her mama broke me. That's when I knew that I had to figure something out. I needed an answer.

I talked to my therapist about it, and she said she thought I should have this evaluated, and she knew a place that could do it and does it well.

So I called the number and got the appointment. I went through two days of intense testing. Testing on my ability to function in social situations, my IQ, and processing. At times the tests were downright painful. I remember the person doing the tests would just wait to see if I would ask for help with a puzzle. And anyone who knows me, knows that I really suck at asking for help. I hate it.

They also interviewed Justin, to see how he saw things.

It was no surprise to either of us that all of that testing led to a diagnosis of Autism.

While knowing doesn't really change a whole lot, I do feel like it has provided some much-needed clarity for me. Sure, I'm weird. But some of the things I do that are strange to others are a result of being autistic. This is why schedules, organization, etc are comforting to me. It's why I watch the same shows over and over again. It's why I can quote movies so well.

I'd be lying if I said that things have gotten easier since then. They really haven't. Not much has changed, except for the fact that my self care has taken a back seat since Nora was born. Clearly there's no mystery as to why, if anyone knows our situation, and Nora's. With that said, I also know that there are a lot of things I need to start doing to take care of me.

There's also improving my relationships with my family, particularly my husband and children. If anything, that is probably the only thing that has improved. The diagnosis really helped Justin understand that when I do something that he might seem odd, a lot of times it isn't something I can help. We've talked about it, and he's shared that there are a lot of my autistic traits that he absolutely loves about me. Then again, of course there are things I do that annoy the crap out of him. That part really isn't different from any other marriage.

My hope is that someone out there who also has Autism might read this and realize they're not alone. I know for a long time, I felt so alone in all of this and angry with myself for not being able to function with neurotypical individuals. But over time, I am learning to accept myself for who I am. None of it is easy, and it's a constant learning process. But the point is, I am working on it.