Week 16

Welp, I am now well into my second trimester of pregnancy with Baby Phillis. I can't say I'm not grateful to have made it this far, because I am well aware that had I not gone to Dr. L when I did, I would likely have lost this baby by now. Being chronically ill makes you realize that you may never see all of your dreams become a reality, because life is unpredictable and no one knows what the next day will bring. For the past few years, I've been reminded of that fact time and time again. But something always made me want to keep my dream of having a family alive. I was never sure I would find the right person to share my life with, let alone have children with. However, I always knew that if it was what God wanted for my life, He would provide. And provide he did.

So yes, I'm grateful. That being said, I'm exhausted. This is a kind of exhausted I didn't even know existed. Growing a human is a whole lot of work and requires a lot of energy. Let's face it, I wasn't in the best of shape to begin with. I knew that pregnancy wasn't going to be all fun and games. I didn't know that I was going to need intramuscular injections two times a week to keep my baby alive. Honestly in retrospect it is a small price to pay, but it still takes its toll. Sometimes I struggle with body image, since I was also a victim of abuse. Having a baby bump doesn't always help that. Yes I know that my baby is growing and that it's a good thing! That doesn't make this any easier to deal with. At times I'm afraid to share my feelings with others because I'm afraid of their reactions. I'm afraid they will think that I'm saying I don't want this baby or that the price isn't worth it. None of that is true. But being pregnant doesn't make everything else go away.

With time I am learning to accept and try to adapt to the changes that are happening in my body. After all, I'm not even halfway done so I know there are a lot more changes to come. More than anything I need patience, love and understanding. That's difficult to get because I think people have a difficult time trying to put themselves in my shoes, and understandably so. People have a difficult time empathizing with people who are chronically ill because it is nearly impossible to understand if you haven't been there and dealt with it yourself. That said, I am fortunate to have a lot of loving and supportive people in my life who do their best to help me.

At week 16, our little one is growing like a little weed. He or she can hear now, so we're trying to talk to him or her more. We can also tell on ultrasound if we're having a little boy or girl. Hopefully we will be finding that out within the next four weeks. I'm also starting to feel a little bit of fluttering, so that is super exciting.

Please pray that things continue to go smoothly. I have an OB appointment tomorrow and am hoping that goes well.