The past week or two has been pretty tough on me. For about the last month, I've been experiencing what I perceive to be a decline. The only way I can really judge this is because my heart rate has once again been elevated (beta blockers were helping to keep that under control), headaches are increasing and fairly constant, and I am experiencing more pain all over. I really don't know what more to do. Right now, I'm trying to hang on until tomorrow when I see Dr. Green and then Friday when I see Lori at the Pain Clinic. I was hoping I would get to see Dr. Singh, but my guess is that they are wanting to judge how things are going and then decide what they want to do with me.
Let the record show that I have a fairly high pain tolerance. Obviously I would have to since I have been in constant pain (which has become progressively worse) for the past five years or so. It may actually be more than that, considering it was around the time that I started to become more symptomatic as far as Mito goes was probably around ten or twelve years ago. It's difficult for me to judge the time, as I have had to adapt to changing circumstances repeatedly. Over the years, I have lost track of time because I am so used to going on "autopilot" due to things becoming more and more ridiculous. Sometimes I can't help but wonder when I'm ever going to catch a break. I am waiting to get to what I like to call the "good stuff" in life. And I'm getting there. I have a loving boyfriend whom I adore and he adores me back. I have a family, partially blood relatives and some that I have adopted as family for myself. There are many good things going on too. But at times, it's difficult to see that.
I'm sure that the fact that October and November are here is not helping me either. Considering that two years ago starting October 11 and ending November 14, I lost three of the most precious people in my life. People whom I deeply loved and now long to see just one more time. I have confidence that they are in heaven, that their pain is gone, they feel no sadness and they are experiencing something I long to see at the end of my earthly life. Without my faith, without knowing in some way that I will see them again, knowing that there is something beyond this earthly life, I would have given up a long time ago.
On November 1, 2010 my Papa, the man who nutured me, saved my life and helped me grow as a person more than I ever thought possible, was able to acheive eternal rest. On my bad days, all I want to do is go to his former home and talk with him. Sometimes I still talk to him, I know somehow that he is there still listening to me, just as he always did. He is not physically visible but I know that he is also offering his prayers for me where he is now.
Coming up is the anniversary of Aleia's passage into the next life.
Grief is in the driver's seat right now. Hopefully fairly soon, that will no longer be the case.
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