Oh grief..

I have neglected the blog again. It's not so much for readers so much as it is for me to leave my "little mark" on the world, I think.

Things have been absolutely crazy lately. Nursing school is in full swing (I have my last day of lab next week already!) and things are going as well in that department as possible. On Thursday in lab, we were working on Respiratory skills. This included tracheostomy care.

Rewind to about two years ago (here in a few weeks....) My beloved Papa made the decision to have his ventilator turned off after fighting ALS for 14 years. Because of his ALS, Papa was dependent on a ventilator through his trachea (called a tracheostomy...now you see where I'm going with this) for life. He had fought long and hard, and after that long he began to lose more control over his body. Papa could move only his eyes and his jaw, and now he was beginning to lose both abilities. Without them, Papa would be a prisoner (more so than before) in his own body. Before he lost complete control, he decided to have his ventilator turned off so he could peacefully die.

Anyway, I had not seen or touched a tracheostomy since Papa passed away. I had a lot of anxiety surrounding the situation, and tears came close many, many times. However, I was able to regain composure and help my fellow nursing students with trach cares. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. My hand was shaking the whole time, but I was able to do what I needed to. Hopefully with time I will be able to do everything that a person with a tracheostomy will need under my care. That way Papa will live on, in some way.

I am struggling so much right now. These losses are hitting me hard, once again. Right now I'm doing my best not to go to the dark place that was my world last year and the year before that. But I miss them, all of them, so very much. To see them, touch them, talk to them just one more time....I know it's not possible in this lifetime. Aleia, Papa, and Grandma will live on in my heart. Now I need to figure out how in the world I'm going to get through all of this. At times I just don't want to face it. Reality is just too much for me to bear at times.

I go through grief every single day. Grief over the loved ones I have lost, grief over the abilities I used to have that I may never have again. Grief over the childhood that was robbed from me. It goes on, and on, and on. But at the same time, I have to shut some of those feelings down. The reason being, I have too much to worry about. I have school, work, doctor appointments and my health. At times, grief needs to take a brief vacation. But I can't shut it down for good. I will grieve over all of these things, more than likely, for the rest of my life off and on.

I wouldn't trade any of the people I have lost for the world. They have helped shape me into the person I am today, and continue to do that to this day.

In the mean time, I'm doing the best I can with what I have. There are lots of unanswered questions. I can't get into everything right now, but I can tell you that I may have some very big changes coming in my life soon.