Another grief journey begins

A week ago today my beautiful Grandma left us for heaven. She had suffered from Alzheimer's disease for a few years and was experiencing a pretty drastic decline. She was able to tell us that she was ready to go and we were able to make her as comfortable as possible. That does give me some peace. She passed away with me by her side, waking me up quietly so that I would know she was going. By the time I reached her, I knew she was gone. She woke up many of my other family members including my mom and her sisters, my grandpa, and her siblings. None of us were surprised by her passing, and yet it all happened fast. She wasn't even in hospice care a week. I am thankful she did not have to linger and was able to go on her terms. But she left a hole in our family. She and my grandpa started our crazy family 63 years ago.

My grandma was never shy about how she felt. If she didn't agree with something you were doing, she'd let you know. She was never afraid to get after us kids about something, and we usually deserved it. Never for a moment did I doubt her love though. When she loved someone, it was fierce and unconditional. If you needed her, she would be there come hell or high water. That was how she and my grandpa were. If you needed something all you had to do was ask, and it would be yes or no, but it was very rarely no. They both have hearts of gold. Every conversation ended with "I love you." No matter what.

I'm just thankful again and again that I have the promise that this life isn't "it." It's not the end. Someday I will see my daughter and my grandma as well as all of the other loved ones I've lost again. God gives me that assurance daily and it is how I am able to go on. That doesn't mean the pain is gone. I feel the pain each and every day. I've just learned how to live with it. None of it is easy. Last week I talked to Grandma about Millie. About how much I missed her and how she could hold her again and kiss her for me until I get there. She seemed to relax a bit when I told her that. I have no doubt that Grandma is loving on my girl. 

Lydia's and my appointment in Philadelphia is just under three weeks away. I have a little bit of anxiety about this for a variety of reasons. First of course is the fear I get when I see a new doctor. The fear that again my illness will not be taken seriously. The doctor I will be seeing is top notch though and I have met her before just not as her patient. I am also anxious about whether or not Medicaid will pay for it. If they don't I will have to pay out of pocket which will be difficult but I will do what I have to. I am also a little worried about traveling that far with a two year old in tow. Thankfully Lydia can be a pretty good little traveler. I am hoping we are able to stay safe and healthy this season. Last year we had our share of illnesses, including croup, the stomach flu and a few colds. We haven't gone very many places as of late to try to protect ourselves and the girls from getting sick. I fully realize all kids get sick but for our girls it's a little more serious.

I plan to update more when I am able. Hopefully with good news. Thanks for checking in with us, and please pray for insurance coverage for our visit to CHOP, answers and validation, and safe and healthy travels.