This is yet another night when I am writing and I should really be sleeping. Tomorrow Justin and I are heading out of town (weather permitting) to go to my appointment with my neurologist. He is a great doctor and I think he is doing his best to help me, though I'm not really sure where we are going to go from here. We're kind of at a stand-still since my muscle biopsy came back inconclusive last year. But, maybe he has some ideas. I sure hope so.
Anyway, a few weeks back I made a big huge announcement on Facebook that I was going to be going back to school. But after taking some time to really think about it and pray, I have decided that now just is not the right time for that. There are several reasons for this.
1) I am not OK.
This is extremely vague so allow me to elaborate. The past few years have taken their toll on me. IT all started probably with Amelia's illness and eventual death, then with all of the stuff we went through with Lydia and now of course, Nora. Mixed in with all of that is a bunch of other crap that is still going on with Lydia (and I'm still not ready to talk about that just yet) and just my overall wellbeing. I am still trying to figure out who the hell I am after all of this happened. Largely I am the same person I always was, but there are some very real differences, and some things about myself that I have to change.
The short of it is, I'm OK but I'm not OK. I hope that makes sense, but it probably doesn't. I have had a very hard time with my own self esteem and self worth, as well as my body image after having three children in three years. Don't get me wrong, I would never trade them for anything in the world but in addition to being their mom, I still have to be me. But the problem is I have lost myself in all of this, and I need to regain some of the identity I had before, while also honoring all of the things that have changed about me and embracing them. That's not something I can realistically expect myself to do before classes start in the fall.
2) My kids are little.
I know, this probably seems like a huge cop-out but it isn't. My children are 23 months and 5 months old. They're still babies. And I am able to stay home with them and be financially stable. That is something most moms dream of being able to do. The time that they have been alive has gone by way too fast, and I want to spend these moments with them. I already feel like they don't get enough of my attention, and going back to school would only make that worse.
3) My health
Mentally and physically, I need to be doing better before adding a big stressor like college. I have already said that I need to be in a better place mentally (and I do mean it). Physically I also need to feel more stable. Largely I have been doing OK, but I am still trying to figure out a lot with my own health and what I need. Again, this is a process that is going to take more time than up until the school year begins.
So I just have to be at peace with this decision. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a huge fan of having to put some of my dreams on hold. But I also know that part of my desire to honor Millie's legacy has to include doing what is best for myself, Justin, and my living girls. Millie would want me to do what I can for them too, and I know she understands that they have to be more of a priority than school. I can only hope that I make her proud.
It's hard to believe Lydia's birthday is just a month away and Millie's won't be far behind. My girls are getting so big so fast!
I do plan on posting again soon, but I guess I'll just put this out there for now.
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