Minnesota Summers completely blow. Especially where the humidity is concerned. Because of Mito, my "internal temperature regulator" is almost completely useless. It's more difficult for me to cool myself down than it is for me to warm myself up. See, to warm yourself up, you simply have to cover yourself up with more blankets or put on more clothing. But, to cool down it's much more complicated. At any rate, cooling myself down is almost impossible. That being said, keeping myself hydrated is a constant concern as well as a constant struggle. Forget the fact being overheated also predisposes me to an autonomic crisis, which predisposes me to seizures. It's basically one giant mess.
And let's not forget the fact that it's always hot- and humid- in summertime in Minnesota. Period. End of story, thank you very much. UGH. I hate it. I really don't enjoy being a Debbie downer, don't get me wrong, but things become quite problematic when you have Mitochondrial disease and you only have a window air conditioner in the landing of your stairs and you live on the second floor of your house.
OK- end rant.
Maybe. Haha
Dr. Green has not called me. He was supposed to call me today so that I could update him. I even made sure to weigh myself at work before he called. But of course, I know that he is a busy man and probably forgot or realized too late that he didn't call. Believe me, he's human and I understand that. It's just that I really need him to be on the ball. I really, truly do. Things need to be worked out here. I know that my quest for stability may end up being in vain, but I also know that I need to try. One can't give up until they have at least made an attempt. Let me tell you, I'm not giving up my hope for some stability until I have realized that I have to accept some things the way they are.
For the record- let me just say that to an extent, with some things, I have definitely accepted reality. I have accepted, for example that I can only devote energy to certain things. Devoting time and energy to things that are not worth it simply isn't going to fly any more. I don't have either to spare. In addition, pushing myself beyond the limit is not acceptable. It could lead to a crisis which could lead to another decline. And I will not let that happen, I simply can't. Too much of myself has slipped away, and I can't really lose much more, not yet anyway.
Devoting time and energy toward the walk has really helped me. It helps give me a drive that I didn't have before. It gives me something to work toward, something to look forward to. I need both so desperately right now.
I have also found that I need God. I need Him so much I didn't even realize I was missing Him. But only He can help me through this. I know that now. I know where I'm going whenever this horrible disease finally decides to take my life. I will go Home with my Father, my heavenly Father, God. The only being I have ever been able to count on 100% of the time, always. Who has never left me, never given up on me, sustained me, loved me unconditionally, given me fight when I thought I had no more left in me. Last Saturday I returned to Mass. It was wonderful. I had forgotten how close I feel to God. How close I feel to Papa, to Aleia, to Grandma May, to all of the loved ones whom I miss so much. It's a special time, time that nothing else can measure up to.
All of this time, I thought my energy and time needed to be devoted to some things. And yes, some of those things were correct. But, ultimately my soul is the most important thing to keep healthy. My body is failing me. It will continue to. The one thing that this disease can not take from me is my fight, my drive, my spirit, my soul, my faith. Everything that God has blessed me with, this disease can't take from me, because I won't let it! It completely sucks the energy and life out of me some days. There are days when I simply don't want to fight any more. But then I remember that God is the only One who truly knows when I am ready to join Him. Until then, I will continue to stay here. I feel that when the time comes, I will know. Until then, I will continue His work.
What, then, you may ask is that?
Very shortly, I will be taking my boards to be licensed as a nurse. Already in six years, my nursing career has allowed me to do God's work in serving the elderly and the disabled. It is truly a blessing to be able to do this work. I find joy in it each and every day. Yes, it is a very difficult job, but I choose, most often, to focus on the fact that I am so lucky to be able to have the opportunity to care for such wonderful people. I feel that nursing is a calling, a ministry all its own.
I hope and pray that I pass the state boards the first time. People continue to tell me that I will be just fine, and I believe them for the most part. My friend Leslie will join me and I plan on making a day of it. So after tomorrow evening, I no longer work. Sunday morning I will be going to church with my friend Marlys. We plan on going to lunch after that. There will be no more studying from Sunday on. If I don't know my stuff by now, I'm not going to know it. I have studied all year, and I know my stuff. So, here's hoping (and praying!) that my state boards go well.
And of course, that these fundraisers for the walk go underway very soon. I am trying to get some more team members recruited, but am having some trouble. Hopefully I will have some luck soon. I am looking forward to the Walk, it is such a wonderful day!
No comments:
Post a Comment