Running on empty.

Things with me have been pretty troubling lately. My blood pressures are still going from higher to lower. Heart rates resting had been between 100 and 120. Headaches have been constant, my back pain has been fairly severe despite use of my back brace and analgesics to keep the edge off. I have been taking Lyrica for quite some time, at a fairly low dose. I have had injections in my lower back, in the facet joints to be exact. The injections have been fairly successful in controlling my pain in that particular area. However, the pain appears to be moving upward and downward. I have had sciatica, especially in my right hip. That seems to be getting worse as well. I can't exactly say what has contributed to this, only suspect. My suspicions are that the fact that I worked too many days in a row (about ten if you count clinical, which is basically another day of work) and have not had enough down time in between shifts. In addition, my levels of stress are very high. There are many reasons for that. I am a full time nursing student. I work over 40 hours a pay period (two weeks) at my current job, which is very demanding of my time and energy. I have very little for energy stores as it is.

My point is that I'm tired, overworked, and in desperate need of rest and extended sleep. I honestly feel that I could sleep for days. I've been running on empty for months, and it has been taking its toll since then. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Life in general is taking its toll on me.

I will see Dr. Green on Tuesday, and until then all I am trying to do is get myself through. That in and of itself is not easy. Nothing about life is easy for me right now.

People keep telling me to let this go and give it to God. Easy for them to say. I want desperately to be able to let this go, I want to have some quality of life. I try to cling to the small things. The small things seem miniscule now. More so than they ever did before. My attitude is completely awful and I realize that. But right now I don't even know how to change my attitude.

I am away from the man that I love. I feel overwhelming pain and fatigue. I am beyond drained. I keep hoping and praying that the distance will end sometime soon.

I don't want to rely on other people for my happiness. But before Brett, I did not ever think I would find someone to be happy with for the rest of my life. Maybe it sounds pessimisitc, but I honestly did not. Now that I have some promise of happiness with someone, an idea that maybe someday I will get married and have children, I feel like I have something more to be positive about.

When I'm with Brett, I eat better, I sleep better. Overall, I feel just a little better. That is everything to me. For years I have wondered if I would ever find something to help. Wouldn't you know, meeting the right person does help some with that. Now if things could just go in the right direction so I can have my happy ending. It's true that happy endings aren't truly endings, but at least it would give me a little more than I had before.

I need things to be even a little better than they were before. Hopefully within the next few weeks, I will have that. When Brett is home for Christmas, I plan on spending every possible moment that I can with him. I want to escape all of this for a while. Even so, no matter what I do, Mitochondrial disease does not leave me alone. Just when I think I am getting a bit of a break, something comes up and causes more problems. I'm done with this. I don't want to do this any more.

I'm tired of having to be strong all the time. People don't want to hear my problems, I get that. But I am dealing with grief on so many levels and all I need is for someone to hold me while I cry and tell me that somehow, beyond all reason, everything is going to be alright. Everything has to be alright. Brett gives me something to look forward to.

I'm on autopilot. Running on empty. Beyond overwhelmed. Not wanting to move, not wanting to do anything but sleep. I don't know how to function any more, because I can't think about it. I can't think about anything. I am just going through the motions.

I am pleading with God to give me a break. I need something to change. Please, God, just give me something good. Give me good news, give me some peace in my life. I know God, that I have asked You for so much and given You so little, but I need to be able to function. I don't know how any more. I don't want to do this any more. I can't be strong any more. I don't want to pretend. Just when I think I have no more tears left, more come without much warning. Part of it is the time of the year, part of it is Mito, part of it is a long distance relationship. Please God, help me deal with all of these things. I want desperately to put this into Your hands. I don't know how, so I am pleading with You, take over. I am telling You right now, I can't do this. Not without Your help, Your love, Your guidance, peace that only You can provide. I feel as though I am on my knees, begging for relief. I need it so much.