Sentences

Lately I have been struggling a lot again. These medical problems have taken their toll, as has my lack of attention and competence from the medical community. I must say, adding Dr. S to my care team was a very good idea, but at the same time, I want to ensure that all of my care providers collaborate as to what is best for me, as well as some possible treatments. Anyway, I'm very tired of trying to constantly advocate for myself and continue to have to fight for quality of life each and every day.

In an attempt to escape from the seriousness of my circumstances in the past few days, I have been watching one particular show: Invader Zim.

This show is about an alien from outerspace (yes, it's a cartoon). Nothing about it is serious. It's a perfect way for me to forget about things for awhile. It also allows me to temporarily return to the carefree days of childhood. Granted, I never really had carefree days in my childhood. I have always been a very serious person, and my circumstances in life did not allow me the average childhood. Over time, I have learned that being so serious is not in my best interest, and I have gained a fairly decent (at least in my opinion) sense of humor. It is, however, quite sarcastic and cynical at times but it is what allows me to get through the stress of my daily life.

There is another thing I have been thinking about lately. I recently had my nose repierced, and now will have to have it repierced yet again. I had to take the jewlery out for my spine MRI on Friday and could not get it back in. Thankfully, I have the jewlery and the place I had it pierced at will repierce it for free if I still have the jewlery. I also have a tattoo. I have posted about it before. I believe that tattoos and some piercings are very beautiful. Someone from work was talking about how they thought it was dumb that I have a tattoo in memory of Aleia and Riley, seeing as they were not "family". But here's the thing, I considered them family. I couldn't have loved those girls any more if they were biologically related to me. They meant the world to me. And they still do. Having that tattoo is a lasting tribute for me. I realized, that for the most part, I really do not care what other people think of me. In fact, not too long ago, I received this message from a high school classmate on facebook:
i miss highschool.... this is quite random but i know alot of people would tease you or make fun of you because of who you are as a person, but i have alot of respect for you because you are such a genuine person and i can tell you truly do care about so many people, and that's awesome in my eyes.... i like to think im a good guy and very caring at times and try to be every ones friend but im in the boat of those who worry about what people think. i dont worry alot but just to an extent at times and i think its awesome that everyday of your life you live for who you are and do what you really want to. i wish there were more people in the world who had a heart like yours. it's not easy to be that way because of other people who judge and what not but i just wanted to let you know that i think its really cool you live life in a manner that you dont let other people dictate your actions. its a very bold thing to do.

For the longest time, I used to model myself after people I admired. And to an extent, I still do that. But I have realized that rather than define myself by someone else, I should live for the person that I am. People mention how I love and care about people so deeply, much more than most probably. I've said it before, and I will say it again, it is likely because I have realized how fragile life is. There have been times that my mortality has been staring me in the face, so I have a very deep appreciation for people. I love people because that is, I believe, one of the reasons God put me on this earth. Loving your enemies is quite possibly one of the hardest things to do, even for someone like me. I will be the first to admit that I do not always think nice thoughts about people I do not care for, nor am I very loving toward them sometimes. It's something I need to work on, and I know that. I have been working on praying for people I disagree with or have a difficult time with for now, and hopefully I will improve from there.

School starts on Tuesday, a brand new semester. I am very nervous about it, because this is the semester that I will be applying to the nursing program. I really, really want this. I can't even explain in words how much it will mean to me to actually be in the program. One more step closer to graduating and realizing one of my lifelong dreams, being a nurse. Nursing is a passion for me, and I am fairly certain I plan on staying in long term care. It is not because that's where the money is. In fact, nurses in long term care get paid (as a rule) less than nurses in the acute care setting. My opinion, however, is that I will likely find long term care more rewarding. I've worked in nursing homes for almost five years, and in that time I have learned a great deal. Over time I have become a more effective and skilled caregiver. I have shown a particular gift for end-of-life care and memory care. The relationships and bonds I form with my residents are a great gift to me. I firmly believe God knew what He was doing when He called me to this job, which has since become a ministry.

There are a lot of things that have been weighing heavily on my heart. It looks as though I will probably need another Hypogastric Plexus Block, as this one has not been very effective. Dr. S did say it may take a couple of injections before I notice anything. Tonight I had a pretty severe headache, but I did take some pain medication in the hopes of preventing a migraine and/or a seizure. Hopefully school will go very well and I will be accepted to the nursing program.